Respecting Their Wishes
How to Talk to Your Loved One
If a family member has not shared their end-of-life plans, you might find yourself in a situation where you need to take the initiative. These talks can be intimidating and difficult to navigate – but the outcomes are so important. Here are some ways to get started and make your conversation meaningful and productive.
Select an Appropriate Setting
Choose a location that sets you both at ease.
These talks are best done in a quiet and comfortable place that is free from distraction.
Usually, a private and familiar setting is best.
Ask for Permission
People cope with end-of-life issues in many ways. Asking permission to discuss this topic assures your loved one that you will respect his or her wishes and honor them. Some ways of asking for permission are:
“I would like to talk about how you would like to be cared for if you got really sick. Is that okay?”
“If you ever got sick, I would be afraid of not knowing the kind of care you would like. Could we talk about this now? I would feel better if we did.”
Set the Tone
Keep in mind that you have initiated this conversation because you care about your loved one’s well-being, especially during difficult times. Allow your loved one to set the pace. Try to focus on maintaining a warm and caring manner throughout the conversation by showing your love and concern.
Ask Intentional Questions
Questions you may want to ask your loved one about his or her end-of-life wishes include:
In the event of a life-limiting diagnosis, what types of treatment would you prefer?
Have you named someone to make decisions on your behalf if you become unable to do so?
How would you like your choices honored at the end of life?
What can I do to best support you and your choices?
Be a Good Listener
Keep in mind that this is a conversation, not a debate. Sometimes, just having someone to talk to is a big help. Be sure to make an effort to hear and understand what the person is saying. These moments, although difficult, are important and special to both of you. Some things you can do are:
Listen for the wants and needs that your loved one expresses.
Make clear that what your loved one is sharing with you is important to you.
Show empathy and respect by addressing these wants and needs in a truthful and open way.
Verbally acknowledge your loved one’s rights to make life choices – even if you do not agree with those choices.
Show your love and concern by nodding your head and offering comfort.
Discussing end-of-life wishes requires sensitivity and empathy. If your first attempt doesn’t go well, try again at another time. These conversations can help your loved one, and your family, feel more prepared and confident about future decisions.